The Weight Loss Saga

So this is interesting. Apparently when you come down with a vague chronic illness (think chronic fatigue syndrome) where you constantly feel sick, you don’t care about calories any more. You care about being healthy again. 

Also, there is no better motivator than wanting a healthy body.

I do not eat or drink meat, alcohol, caffeine. I have severely reduced my sugar and gluten intake (working on getting that to zero as well). What is left you may ask? Lots of vegetables, some fruits and legumes. I never thought I would be a “health nut” but here I am, not by choice.

I have learned the ins and outs of juicing. I have made some really bad mixes (chard and beets and green apples) and some that could have been the perfect margarita if I indulged in alcohol (tart and sweet apples, oranges, lime, lemon, touch of ginger, pear).

I have learned to look forward to taking supplements instead of throwing them in the trash when my mother wasn’t looking (clearly scarred from childhood).

I have learned to value my meditation practice and surround myself with positive influences, understanding the mind-body connection.

I have learned to take walks along the ocean, since I can no longer run on that treadmill at the gym. 

I am learning to not worry so much. Life is what it is and I am doing my best to grow and learn and get healthy.

This is the life changing moment for me. I am more single than I have been in the last ten years, I am unemployed, I am chronically ill, and I am not necessarily having the best meditations of my life. These were always the four measures I used to use to determine how successful of a life I was living: Relationship, Career, Health, Spirituality. So there is that. 

But.

But maybe this is that moment where everything changes. Maybe this is the moment that Wesley gets up off the bed in Princess Bride and commands Prince Humperdink to drop his sword. Maybe not. But I know one thing, everything must fall away to make room for something new, something fabulous. I have no idea what that is, but I am not looking at this as the end, but rather the beginning of an adventure I could never have predicted.

In case you were wondering, there is 31 days until my 30th birthday and I am 133.6 pounds. I never said I stopped caring completely.

I had positive results since yesterday and am half way through a cup of masala chai so I am pretty upbeat. I weighed in at 136.8 this morning which means I am down 0.6 of a pound. Granted it has only been twenty four hours since I started again, but I am having a good feeling about this round. Do I dare say it could be the last one?

For me, the key to success is where my head is at. If I am positive and confident then the weight falls with ease and grace. Alternatively, when I think it is a struggle, its effing hard. The deal here is consistency. I have dropped significant weight before. The lowest I have been since high school was when I did the Master Cleanse for ten days. I was 125 pounds after that, but it wasn’t sustainable since the number was achieved via a fast. There are no quick and easy solutions for sustainable weightloss. The formula is so simple, eating healthy and exercising. Making choices that will make me happy in the long run instead of caving into the desires that crop up spontaneously. 

My struggle with weightloss is like the physical manifestation of my journey on the spiritual path. It is laughable. So clear is the road in front of me, so obvious are the correct choices to be made, and yet so easily I succumb to my ego’s desires. Food is the strongest sense attachment that I have. The more I loosen the control it has on me, the closer I will be to my Divinity. 

Ah, Monday mornings. Anything seems possible on Monday mornings. I could be the most productive human in the history of the universe based on Monday mornings. I could get my dream job this week, or get into the most exclusive grad school program, or meet the champion who will get my book sold or at the very least lose five pounds. I love Monday mornings. 

It has been over a month since my last post, this is no accident. I went off the deep end a little. I blame stress and despondency. Weightloss definitely slipped down to the bottom of the priority list. But I am back (I always am). I did a three day juice cleanse last week, which cleared my head, gave me hope that maybe I have enough self control to see this thing through. By that, I am not even just talking about weightloss. I am talking about being supremely healthy. I am talking about vigorously going after what I want. I am talking about putting myself in situations where I am uncomfortable and succeeding. 

But enough of the personal growth vernacular, lets talk about some hard goals here. I am starting my dieting and exercise program again, I am also going to juice fast once a week. Again, it isn’t just for weightloss purposes, so don’t get on my case. I have not been able to regain complete health since I fell ill in Paris, so I am doing everything I can to get my immune system in premium condition. This includes exercise, nutrition, supplements, lots of sleep and regular fasting. 

Today I weighed in at 137.4. I am goaling for 135.0 by next Monday. 

After two days of following Weightwatchers perfectly and exercising and GAINING weight, I was pissed. So my ego decided to rebel. What else is new. Yesterday morning I weighed in at 138.6. After that I losely tracked my meals, didn’t exercise, and then had a decadant dinner last night. Today I woke up and I was 138.8. WTF. So I gained a pound and a half after explicitly following the program, and then only 2/10 of a pound when I decided to enjoy a larger meal. Either the consequences are going to hit hard tomorrow, or my body is just fluctuating and I need to chill out in regards to the daily weigh-ins.

I’m back on board today. Weightwatchers has a weekly points allotment along with the daily. The extra points for the week are there so you can have that three course dinner, or celebratory slice of pie or whatever. Weightwatchers included those points so that the program would feel less like a short term diet and more like a manageable way of life. So, maybe I should consider them. Not that I would always use the weekly points, but letting myself access them if I need to.

It is unlikely my mini-goal of 135 is going to happen in three days. I trying to tell myself that, that is okay, but I am not really buying it. I know this is a lesson in long term statisfaction as opposed to getting instant gratification. I know that if I can win this war with my senses/desires I can pretty much achieve anything.

On paper, I did all the right things. I went to the gym. I tracked everything thing that I consumed. However, there is a part of losing weight that is more subtle. Something that you can’t exactly check off on a to do list.

Two things, really. Using common sense (as opposed to just following a set of pre-determined rules) and listening to your body. For example. I hardly ate at all during the day, so when I was at dinner I ordered a bowl of soup. Instead of waiting to see if this would be nourishing enough, I ordered a salad as well, out of fear that I wouldn’t have enough food, not because I actually needed or wanted it. I only ate half of the salad, but my body was angry and I had a stomach ache all night. Presumably, because I hardly ate the majority of the day and then was trying to cram in this large meal late in the evening.

Which brings me to the common sense portion. Obviously it is healthier to eat 3-5 small meals through out the day than almost nothing for 12 hours and then one large meal right before bed.

Anyway, I gained weight even though I did all the right things on paper, because surprise, my body is not a checklist.

137.8 pounds this morning, but I am not sweating it. I still think that I will be able to reach my first mini goal of 135 by next Monday.

So, no big deal, I lost two pounds in one day (137.2).

But that is not what this post is about. I love my friends, and how each one supports me in different ways. Some are concerned with the way that I focus on this aspect of my life, and they should be. Because its a little obsessive. I appreciate them for reminding me of the bigger picture. Some are thankful that I write this blog as they realize that they are not the only weirdos that have body image issues. And some give self-proclaimed “tough love.”

Example, my friend and I went to dinner last night and I was tempted to get the biscuits when he quoted my post from yesterday verbatim. He had a point. Was I  really going to cave already? I probably would have if he wasn’t there to support me. Falling into the common weightloss pitfall of “I’ve been so good all day, I deserve this.”

We ordered the salad as an appetizer instead. And it was delicious. And I was satisfied.

I know myself. Food for me is an addiction. Its my drug of choice. Unfortunately I can’t quit it cold turkey like alcohol or cigarettes as I am dependent on it to sustain myself. So, I have to learn how to build a healthy relationship with it, and let it know who is boss. This isn’t an easy process, but totally doable as I mentioned yesterday.

However, in these early stages, similar to when I quit drinking, I need to put myself in a good environment. The day after I stopped drinking I didn’t go to the bar with my drinking buddies. Similarly, I should be wary of when and with whom I eat out with for now. Meaning, I shouldn’t go to dinner starving with a bunch of friends that aren’t concerned about what they order. It just isn’t setting myself up for success.

I have a thing I do when I am tempted to drink again. I tell myself, “okay, lets sleep on it. If we still think this is a good idea in the morning than we can have a drink then.” Of course I never think it is a good idea the next day. I am going to start doing that with certain food choices.

“That ice cream/nachos/etc looks really good, lets wait until the morning to get it.”

I am back from traveling in Europe. Yes I had an amazing life altering trip. Yes I gained some weight. Yes I still want to be 125 pounds before I turn thirty.

Here is the deal. I am sick of agonizing over something that is totally in my control. So I am starting fresh, and this time I am counting down the days until my 30th birthday. I have been stressing about losing weight since I was nineteen. I am done. I know, you have heard this before from me, who knows how many times. What makes this time any different? There is the impending birthday I suppose, but more than that I am going through the process of completely rehauling my life. Career, relationships, life goals, everything is on the table for re-evaluation. It makes sense that this is included as well.

The Plan:

1. Follow Weightwatchers militantly for one month. Review Results

2. Take vitimins to boost my immune system to I don’t have an excuse to fall off the exercise wagon.

3. Exercise at least every other day for an hour.

That is it. Nutrition and Exercise.

I weighed in today at 139.2 pounds. I am swallowing my pride with the acknowledgment of that number.

See you tomorrow.

So my posts are going to be scarce this summer as I am traveling, but I wanted to share a couple things that I noticed have been keeping my on track even when I can’t read the menus and the food labels are unfamiliar.

Fresh/ Light Meals.

Granted it helped that most of the cooked dishes were beef related while traveling in Bulgaria, but I ended up eating a lot of salads and soups. Granted, I would usually get hungry again a few hours later, which brings me to my second point.

Fresh Snacks. 

I have been going to the local fruit stands and loading up on fruit and nuts. Almonds, bananas, grapefruit were some of the favorites. I ate these for breakfast and through the day when I was on the go. Filling and low in calories.

Fasting on Traveling Days.

I don’t condone fasting as a weight loss tool. However, it is a nice perk. I decided to get into the habit of fasting once a week as a way to lessen my attachment to food. I also found that I was eating poorly on the days that I had to travel long distances (think 12 hour bus ride that only makes stops at gas stations and mini marts), so I decided it would be much better for my body to fast on these days. I am not going to lie, each time it has been challenging during the day. I am probably not drinking enough water, but I am hungry a good portion of the time! However, it is totally worth it the next day, when my body really feels lighter and cleansed.

Good Attitude.

I swear being in a positive state makes the weight stick less! When I was in Budapest, the woman I was staying with, wouldn’t stop feeding me. She seemed slightly offended if I refused. Hesitatingly, I ate whatever she put in front of me. However, I was in a really good space. I didn’t beat myself up over these indulgences, but enjoyed the opportunity to have delicious vegetarian home cooked Hungarian food. At the end of my stay I weighed myself and hadn’t gained an ounce. 

I’ll be in touch.

I realized after returning from the mind blowing experience of staffing the Source Journey that absolutely everything is the state of mind that I have. This is much different than attitude. Attitude connotes that it is something that can change with the direction of the wind. A state of mind can change the world. It is the lense out of which we view everything and everyone with whom we interact with. 

I was blind but now I can see. After I returned from my journey on the mountain top, everything felt fresh. I was so elated that I didn’t even need or have the desire for caffeine (my drug of choice in the past). I knew the ultimate source of my happiness and strove to cultivate only this, moment by moment. My attachment to food, my unsatiable desire to be skinny, fell away. It seem so silly in the wake of my renewed taste for ultimate connection with my Divine, the grace which rained down upon me in my life, and my desire to be in step with my Teacher. It was a very powerful reminder as to why I am really here.

The world, constantly biting at my feet, has worn me down so quickly. I ate ice cream out of comfort last night. Not a ton, but the motivation didn’t feel healthy. This past week I have been run ragged attempting the please others and the obligations they have placed on me in the short time I have left before my trip. I am choosing to let go of these strings pulling me in so many different directions. To focus in on what is important to me, to center myself before embarking on my grand adventure. Fitness is a part of that. I recognize that I may not lose 14 pounds in 15 days (although I am going to put the intention out there, why the heck not). However, I am feeling confident that I can regain my open, joyful, carefree state of mind that embodied me such a short time ago. It may not come without work, but it is still there. The soul still has some say in the matter. The hardships of the world haven’t completely sunk me yet.

Today I will live my life as if I am in my ideal state by: completing my morning meditation routine, eating a healthy, trackable breakfast, running, dancing, completing a chunk of my Trip To Do list, eating a healthy, trackable lunch, spending time alone doing something fun for myself, setting the correct expectations with others, completing my evening meditations routine, eating a healthy, trackable dinner.

See you tomorrow when I report back.

When I started this blog I was hoping to apply all of the tools that I have to achieve my ideal body goals. As I continued on my journey I would perhaps try new things and share with you what worked and what didn’t. Sure, I was prepared to have a hiccup or two, and I figured my readers would forgive me for this. However, as the series of hiccups refused to quit, I realized that I was going to pass out soon if they didn’t stop.

I am in fight or flight mode now. Do or die. I am pushing the panic button here because I have fallen off of my own pedestal. This isn’t about plateauing, this is about not going off of the deep end (completely). 

I swear the last five posts I have written have had the words “I am coming clean” or “I am starting over” embedded somewhere in them. I feel like a Catholic after confession. Technically the day or week or month is new, but each time I fall I feel that the likelihood that I won’t fall again is severely diminished. However, maybe this is what my ego wants me to think. That my goals are impossible to achieve, so I might as well just give up now. 

The past couple of weeks I have not only dismissed my regular exercise schedule and WeightWatchers program, but I have been eating for comfort. There are two mainstays: fancy chocolate bars and Hav’a Chips. I am averaging about one bar and half bag of chips a day. As well as eating as much as I want when I go out for meals. What is the deal? 

Well there is a lot going on right now. From uncertain relationships, to unstable career, to not knowing if I will have a car and home to come back to after my travels, to prepping for staffing an intensive seminar, to family pressures. So yeah, some of those may have something to do with it. Maybe it has all been building. Maybe I haven’t been weaving in enough fun into my life to balance out the stress. Maybe my old “go to” from high school and college finally decided to pay me a visit. Whatever the reason, Emotional Eating is back with a vengeance. 

The first thing that I have decided to do is to not tempt myself. This means I will not be buying chocolate or chips for awhile. Another solution I am using is journaling when the urge to eat unhealthy resurfaces. Venting my frustrations and possible solutions on paper has always made me feel better; helps me take back the control.

Additionally, I want to infuse more fun into the day. Things that my “Little Girl” would find fun, as opposed to the smart, creative adult that I imagine myself to be. This might include running through an open field, swinging at the park, laying on the grass in the sun, walking to the beach and watching the tide suck out to sea, dancing in my living room, putting on that evening gown I have no place to wear and walking around the house, making a work of art for myself for once, writing a poem to my Little Girl, thinking of five things She would want to do on our grand adventure this summer, making a fort out of bedding and furniture, lying on the floor and listening to records full blast.

This is no longer just about following a regime. Clearly my eating patterns are deeply rooted in the cracks of my psyche. Time to pull out all the stops.